Wresting God

For a week solid I was wresting God.  I knew what He was wanting from us, but I was too scared to surrender to it.

Let me back up.

When we received Faith's file, it had three "special needs" listed.  All three were something we felt like was manageable for our family.  I had every intention to not display her needs for all to see, but I really do feel like this is part of The Lord's story.  We need to share in order for you to see how big God really is.  Her needs were repaired Tetralogy of Fallot (a heart condition she was born with and had surgery for last year - our doctors felt like she wouldn't need any major follow up heart surgery), torticollis (the best way I can describe this is like a permanent crick in your neck, and when someone has been as long as her without physical therapy a simple surgery could be needed to release the muscle in her neck), and a malformed ear.  Bam, bam thank you ma'am.  We had this under control.  ;)  (insert God laughing at the thought of us having anything under our control!)

I requested an update on her file.  I did this for total selfish reasons.  I wanted more than the two pictures we had, and possibly a video!  We had very little information, and I was hoping they could give us a little more.

We received information weeks later that was unexpected.  So much so that my initial thought was wondering if it was the same child!

As it turns out, she is in need of additional heart surgery - like now.  They said the only reason she hasn't had it was because they feel like it's too risky at the nearest small hospital she would go to.  It actually says she needs to go to "big hospital like Beijing."  It also included diagnoses of scoliosis, dysplasia of lung, and her ear.  We actually got a picture of her ear (the only picture they sent!  And no, we didn't get a video.)  I immediately called Wayne, with a sick feeling in my stomach.  We agreed to send her file to the International Adoption Clinic at Children's.  They have helped us so much in the past, and we knew it was the best place to go with this.  The doctors that work there are very familiar with China in particular, and take frequent trips there to help the orphans.

And we had to wait 72 hours.  This was on Thursday evening.

We already had plans to go to my parents' house for the weekend to hear His Little Feet (the orphan choir that got this whole adoption going a year ago for our family!), and it was incredible.

The children did great!  This year, it was a group all from India.  They were precious, precious children.  There is something truly incredible about seeing children who have lost everything raise their hands in worship to Jesus.  Along with the program from the kids, they share a different clip every year.  I can't wait until I can share the clip from this year.  It. was. incredible.  Wayne and I were both sobbing.  Until they have the most recent one up, here is the one from last year.  Incredible, I tell ya'.

Seeing these children was just what we needed before we got the phone call back from the International Adoption Clinic.

When they called, they went straight into explaining everything.  They explained the heart surgery they believe she needs.  They told us she would need multiple, multiple surgeries on her back.  They couldn't even guess how many.  They explained that the lung dysplasia is caused from her spinal cord.  It literally blocked her lung from being able to grow all the way to capacity.  She explained that worse case scenario with that was the fact that it would take her a long time to get well whenever she got sick.  They also mentioned the possibility of a cochlear implant.....  And they then dropped the bomb that all of these things together are forming some kind of syndrome.  There is one syndrome that they are leaning towards (and from what I've been able to research makes the most sense), and it is the result of many parts of the body not forming properly.  Children with this syndrome after many surgeries and lots of physical therapy are able to live a full, independent life.  There is a 20-30% chance of another syndrome that would effect her mentally to some level.  They also said if that were the case, she could be dependent on us for life.

Whoa.  This was a lot to take in.

So starts the wrestling.  Wayne never wavered.  I love that man.  He is so much stronger than I am.  He waited patiently as I fought this through.  I was trying to figure out every possibly scenario in my pea size brain.  I was scared.  That was all there was to it.  Through much counsel from ministers and other adoptive mamas, slowly but surely I was beginning to see that with God's help we could handle this.  I had several nights of no sleep.  I just prayed.  To be honest, I begged God on one particular evening to take the calling away - I'm ashamed to admit that's not the first time He has heard that prayer from me.  I fought it tooth and nail.  But God.  He just wouldn't let up.  Not an ounce of my soul could walk away.

So then I start a few days of knowing what we should do, but not being able to vocalize it yet.  Geeze.  I imaging The Big Man was getting a little frustrated with me.  But he was patient, and He constantly drew me closer to Him in the process.  I had one dear friend tell me that we didn't have to have every step of our life with her figured out, we just had to trust Him with it.  That was a turning point for me.  Knowing that it's OK to be able to say "I don't know" to those tough questions I knew we would be asked.  Those tough questions I was trying so desperately to find the answers to.

My dad was wonderful during this process.  He never pushed one way or another, but constantly listened and constantly told us we had his support no matter what.  He did ask me one evening what would happen to her if she didn't get adopted.  I knew the answer to that question, and it makes me physically ill.

Every once in a while I would get a phone call from Wayne saying, "so, are you going to let me go get my baby girl yet?"  Boy did the tables turn!

Finally, after talking to an adoptive mama one day, I realized how defensive I was getting over this precious girl.  Before I knew it I was crying, and I knew what the answer was.  I knew all along, I just momentarily let fear sink in.  The thing is, I'm more afraid of what would happen to her if we didn't get her.  I shutter at the thought.  It was unreal the weight that was lifted off of my shoulders when I called Wayne and told him the good news!  I know it will be a long 1-2 years, but Faith is worth it.  Our boys will learn more in those years than they could in a lifetime.  They will learn true compassion.

And speaking of the boys, we have already been on quite the medical journey with several surgeries with Grant.  If you know this kid, none of it has hindered him at all!  We do know that her situation is different, but it's been refreshing for us to look back and remember a time when we didn't know if Grant would ever see.  I feel like we made it through it just fine.  Somehow we have managed to keep a normalcy around here, and we do believe it will happen again.  Wayne and I have agreed that God used that to prepare us for something else.

So, we are going to get Faith...still.  And we are more excited now than ever.  Our team of doctors are working on possibly getting her adoption expedited so she can get here and get the surgeries she so desperate needs quicker.

Do we have all of the answers?  No.  We do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that The Lord is leading us on this journey.  I have never felt the hand of God in my life like I do now.  We do know one of two things will happen.  Either God will show just how big He is by getting her here and her situation not be near as scary as the "worst case scenario," or God will show just how big He is by leading us through everything this precious child needs.  Either way, God is good.

 Faith changes everything.

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see."

Hebrews 11:1